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The Sunlight

I see a speck of hope on the horizon,
A splash of sunlight trying to break through 
Cloudy, stormy, threatening skies,
That have enveloped my life and soul,
For months, for years, forever. 

I want the sun to come. 
I want to feel free. 
I want light to conquer darkness. 
I want to be free,
But I am scared. 

I don’t know how to look at sunlight,
Certainly not to bask. 
I do not understand it,
Cannot comprehend it. 
What does it mean?
Where does it lead?

My mind is losing focus on the light. 
My mind is telling me to turn away. 
My mind wants darkness, wants night. 
It wants me to cut, deeply,
Wants me to drink, hungrily,
Wants me to starve, slowly,
And ultimately to kill myself. 

My mind is the enemy,
But it feels like a friend:
A comfortable, hurtful friend,
One you can’t trust, but know well. 
One who will destroy you day by day,
While you barely notice,
Nearly comatose as you are,
As life and people pass on by. 

How dare you let it do this. 
How dare you be so weak. 
Get up, be strong, be happy,
They all say the same thing,
They will never understand. 

You’re selfish, you’re attention seeking,
You should do this, you should do that. 
“When I am sad, I go for a walk” they say,
“When I am sad, I listen to music,
I read a book, I draw, color, 
Laugh, play, cook, cycle, be.”

Me, I cannot be,
I cannot do,
There is no magic action,
There is no simple way out,
There is a way in,
And that is all. 

What if the sun came back some day?
What if I could welcome it just a bit?
What if I didn’t want to die?
What if I chose to live?
What if it actually felt like a choice?

Maybe I can do it. 
Maybe I can fight more. 
Maybe I can give in less. 
Maybe I can win. 
Maybe I can live!

“Don’t be stupid”,
Depression whispers in my ear,
“You are nothing. 
You cannot beat me. 
I will crush you. 
I already crush you. 
Bit by bit,
Day by day. 
You are a shell of your former self.
You are nothing. 
You don’t deserve life. 
You deserve nothing. 
I will never let you have anything. 
You know this.”

Depression is cruel and unstoppable. 
I truly do not know who will win. 
For my children it has to be me. 
For me it has to be it. 
But it is all in my head;
My brutally ill, confused head:
The mind that listens to depression;
The one that that accepts all the doubt,
That lets the poison fester,
Until I want to die. 

Around and around we go again,
On the never ending merry go round of depression,
Never, ever letting go. 
Never, ever giving life. 
Taking, just taking everything I ever had. 

I love you kids. 
I love you so much. 
I’m sorry this is such a mess. 
I’m sorry – you don’t deserve this. 
Depression is ruining more than just me. 
He is the enemy and always will be. 

Please come back sunshine. 
I want to try again. 
I want to try to live and breathe,
To play, to laugh, to love. 
Please, please, please…

BrokenĀ 

I am broken,
It feels beyond repair. 
I am weak, small, empty, and hollow. 
Is there a chance for anything else?
I want to give up,
And I want to fight. 
I want to run, hide, cry, die. 
I want to live, stay, open, be. 

I drank the amber poison,
I loved and hated every drop. 
I cut and sliced my fresh clean skin,
It opened up like a cut of meat. 
No fear, just excitement and pleasure,
Knowing it was wrong, but feeling so right. 
I argued with the police and EMT,
So sure was I that my warped pleasure was right. 

More of the same at the hospital –
Pulling gauze off bleeding wounds,
Arguing with nurses and doctors,
“I am right” with every breath. 
Fighting with my doctor,
Mad because maybe he is right. 
I am dangerous, I am childish,
I can’t and don’t want to stop. 

Someone save me,
Save yourself,
You owe this to your children,
You owe this to her. 
She who was once an innocent child,
She who felt loved and happy and strong,
She who deserves to be again,
She who can’t fathom a life alive. 

How do you live, when it seems so wrong?
How do you struggle every day?
I’m trying, I’m tired. 
Please, please let me stop. 
Let me float away,
In an alcohol-fueled, bloody, deadly haze. 
Just let me go,
I promise it won’t hurt. 
It won’t hurt me,
But will everyone else. 

My beautiful children,
One, Two, and Three. 
I love you so much, 
It hurts me inside. 
How can a mother,
Who loves you so much,
Even dream of taking herself away?
I’m sorry my lovies, for even thinking this way. 

You deserve a rich and full life,
With a mother who fills you every day. 
I cannot give that to you,
But is a little better than none?
Is broken, half, altered me,
More important than nothing?
Please, please, I beg you say no,
Because then I will be free to go.

It still feels right for me to leave,
Even knowing what I’d leave behind. 
This wicked, twisted, fucked-up disease,
Robs its victims of everything.  
Its victims’ children, spouses, parents,
All will suffer in the end. 
The worry all those families face,
Whether I am dead or dead inside. 

So goodbye to you all,
It’s time for me to go. 
Thank God it will be over for me.
I am sorry you will hurt so much,
But me, believe me, now I’m free. 
It’s just too much,
I cannot go on. 
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. 

Amber

The amber fluid entices,
Beckoning you to itself,
Will you break, or stay strong today?
The choice is yours
Or is it?
Love it or leave it?
Kill it or kill you?

Taking that first beautiful sip,
The sip becomes a flood.
Burning or warming,
You are not sure,
All you feel is the beautiful liquid. 
The taste is perfection,
The ice cube gently bumping your upper lip. 

Several hours later
You swim inside your head,
In a haze of sorrow and bliss. 
Close to tears and laughter,
You’ve screwed up again,
Disappointing them and yourself. 
When will it ever end?
Curse that amber bliss. 

The FieldĀ 

He moves through the field
Four stone walls enclosed
Wind and rain battered
Unsure of what he needs

His wants are illusive to him
Have been for years
He knows he is so close
But once again he cannot find

Nearer now he is
To time gone by so long ago
He is fearful and excited
By what might be found

Disappointment abounds
From every rock and blade of grass
No answers for him today
He will try again tomorrow